lol....so today I realized something embarassing!

incredible day though! I chilled and made some loom bracelets, and watched Thelma and Louise for the millionth time. Also, tried to eat but realized I am not a fan of sitting while I eat, so I got up and stood in my garden while eating my salad and stared at the sun and it was crazy great. A year ago, I would've been DOOMSCROLLING as I ate. What a weird existence.

Okay I'm forcing myself to get to the point now now. But anyway, come 6 o'clock I knew I had to go over to my neighbor's house so we could go to this youth event together as we do every week, and to protect his privacy I'll call him Sky. Sky and I played a bunch together growing up and we always had an interesting dynamic---maybe I'm looking too deeply into it because its an inherently female habit, but I was always the bossy one and he was very compliant. AND WE WOULD PLAY WITH BARBIE AND KEN DOLLS TOGETHER! And we both had very checkered childhoods that we did not speak to each other about. Anyways, now that we're both adults and have spent about nine years apart, things are just..different. Of course they're bound to be, but most of what I noticed were things that originated within myself, and very few concerning him, because I am not at all adept at reading members of the male species.

But..I couldn't even vibe normally in my vehicle because he was in there. First I turned on Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by the Police because THAT'S MY JAM and I headbang to that everytime I'm in the car. People, there was no headbanging that day. And my voice dropped a few decibels while I was singing. All because there was some boy in the passenger seat. I kid you guys not, when we were stopped at a red light I didn't even know what to do with my hands. WHO EVEN HAS THAT ISSUE?????? I think eventually I just turned on some Michael Jackson (Get On The Floor...whew that bassline) and then he was receptive to it and suddenly the vibe in the car lifted a little bit but there was still no headbanging and I was driving like a bat out of the bowels of hell, mind you. AND my heart was racing. THAT NEVER HAPPENS UNLESS I'M ON A RUN! I was sitting down engaging in no physical exertion and just in being within proximity of that boy my heart was racing. OH! ALSO! I forgot to mention that the shirt I was wearing (something from Kohl's) despite being washed, smelled very....natural??? Like, I was afraid that the entire time I smelled like I had no deoderant on even though the 'natural' scent that I notice sticks to Kohl's fabrics (it's the reason I've just straight up thrown away one of my cute Kohl's shirts before) was sort of sweet. Hope that makes sense.

We arrive at the youth group. Omg. I'm playing volleyball for thirty minutes and this kid didn't play cause he didn't want to take his shoes off. I'm like whatever, I don't care at all: ur a boy and you're weird. I finish playing volleyball then we go and and sit in a row with the group and without saying anything I run to my car to retrieve an item I'd forgotten, and to SPRAY MY FRICKIN SHIRT WITH SOME PERFUME BECAUSE I'M HORRIFICALLY AFRAID I SMELL LIKE THE FOREST. I sit back next to him and we endure the excruciating 20 minutes of music played in the youth group. And the entire time I'm catching the suffocating scent of his cologne and it is INSANE. Like, as I write this I don't even remember what it smelled like but it was AMAZING. And I'm totally nervous because I'm next to this kid, and I'm remembering when I used to force him to watch princess rap battles and to play barbies with me, and now we're adults. And then I'm asking myself if he remembers it and if he resents me for doing so. I'm giving you guys unnecessary information because I'm stalling when it comes to getting to the point. But, then, as our speaker starts...uh...speaking, I'm not even listening because I'm reminiscent of every moment I can remember having with this kid, and I realize very suddenly:

I really, really, really like this guy. And it isn't just because of his lovely face and I would LIKE to think that it isn't because of the friendship we had as children NINE YEARS AGO. I think its because of his personality and also because he's so kind HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. He was just sitting there appearing chill, looking at me every once in a while, and being himself and SMELLING AMAZING. When the speaker told us to introduce ourselves to our neightbor we both instinctively reached for one another's hands to shake them: "Hey, I'm Sky. Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you too, I'm Anayah." Boy, he is such a doll when he smiles. And I think I like him platonically but was very much overtaken with his physical beauty. Over the years I suppose we have both grown handsome, but my own physical changes I was accustomed to easily enough. His face was so incredibly lovely that it was scaring me to look at it.

But how long can I talk about a boy's pretty face, right? Its his personality that's everything. When the speaker was finally finished, we started talking to each other and I think I jabbed him for not wanting to play volleyball because he didn't want to take his kicks off. Then he started showing them to me, and told me he wore them twice, and started rambling about how the first time he wore them was at his high school graduation where he pushed this disabled kid in a wheelchair who wasn't going to walk because the school wouldn't make accomodations for him, so Sky got together a group of kids to ride the disabled bus to graduation with him just so he could walk. And he was downplaying it like it wasn't an incredibly amazing display of his character, and soon all of us began talking to this group of people just because he's so socially attractive and one of them also seemed taken aback by his beauty and his personality and I COULD NOT BLAME HER. I WAS RIGHT THERE WITH HER!!!! Even the way he fidgets when he speaks is gorgeous. And then this girl somehow found out we were neighbors and asked us where we lived and whatnot and blah blah blah, and I was talking to this other girl but in my mind I was like holy smokes I cannot wait to talk to Sky again.

I genuinely cannot wait for these gross icky icky yucky nasty feelings to take their leave. ew ew ew. having a crush is so cringe. genuinely cannot believe this is something I'm feeling either. And when I try and think back on why I like this person I DON'T EVEN KNOW!! YUCK YUCK YUCK. He is just indeed wondrous fair, and so kind to everyone that his demeanor mirrors that of a golden retriever, almost. And very funny. I was less awkward on the drive home and was screaming Michael Jackson and he was screaming with me, which helped me feel less weird! Anyway, I am going to be positively ECSTATIC when these feelings go away. A girl has things to do!