hi guys...long time no see or whatever...

I suppose I should be more jolly and happy because I get to code and I've missed it. BTW I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR BEING GONE FOR SO LONG. Idk why omg cause a week ago yesterday (9/13/26) I started coding for a new post then I stopped :/ sorryyyy and now idk what juicy drama I was gonna type up cause its been 8 days and I do not remember things that far back usually. But, I know I'm typing this now because there's a sort of pressure that's literally about to explode inside my chest if I don't rant about these things somewhere.

I just started school today and I have a lingering feeling that its likely to literally suck the life out of me. The summer has been fun but I just cannot shake this feeling and its made me consider OVER MONTHS what I actually want to do with my life. I know this sounds ridiculous, but in this past summer I have found out so much about myself that it astounds even me. I found out that I am a creator and an artist. I always knew that I was a writer; that was ALWAYS evident to me and there was never a smidgeon of doubt, but I genuinely did not know until recently that I was good at making art. Look at what I made last night while I was sitting in church listening to the sermon.

I've been doing these hand designs on myself every other day. When I'm not doing that, I'm creating flyers for school. When I'm not doing that, I'm drawing on paper. When I'm not doing that, I'm writing. And I've had people tell me this year that I've taught them so much about art. ??? Like, at what point did that even start happening? I almost feel as if I've missed out on a fundamental chunk of my life in which I have developed artistically because I simply don't remember being so..at ease and good with it. Don't get me wrong, I am glad things are this way, but at the same time I am completely unsure of when it transpired. If I had to take a guess, I would place it somewhere around the time I stopped using social media and thus realized I can CREATE and not only CONSUME. Do not read too deeply into my distrust and hatred of social media; it will always be here in the things that I say and you'll see it often.

I'm happy that I'm good at art. But a new issue arises which is the entirety of the reason that I bring any of this up in the first place. I DO NOT WANT TO DO WHAT I AM PURSUING IN COLLEGE. I like art; engineering sounds fun and innovative and crafty but it is not me. I do not enjoy math or solutions or cracking formulas that other people have created. I enjoy creating and it is what I'm good at; I have only just realized it in these past months. Okay, so I enjoy chess and drawing and reading and writing. What sort of a career is that? I was not born into a world where it is simple and easy to make a living off of enjoyment of those things alone unless you already have a great sum of money. Also, I do not want to work with other people (as awful as this sounds). It goes far past being an introvert. I am a walking reject of a lot of the things that this society revolves around and represents. I do wish to spend the rest of my life surrounded by people, or working for or with them, or driving a car, or eating foods that are considered normal, or even wearing clothes (PLEASE stay with me on this. I am eccentric but not insane.) I am serious but not austere. I enjoy life too much to truly become an adult and pursue a career because I will not enjoy it. And this is something that the adults in my life simply cannot understand because I feel as though they have been indentured to this system for too long a time. There is an existence out there for me that is beyond these things which I consider incompatible with me as a person. I do not desire work that is not centric of my interests, which I have already listed. I do not desire companionship in the form of romantic partners or future children. I want to be alone to read my books and draw and create and listen to music and to just be ALONE. And in proclaiming these to be the deranged musings of an emotionally disoriented young woman, you would probably be somewhat correct, but understand that this is not all baseless. From the way I percieve it, I have been, for a long time, rejecting the ways of this society which I consider ridiculous. I know there are people out there like me but I have not been able to find them. Simply put, I cannot integrate, lest I eventually go out of the window. And I am serious. Maybe its when I'm twenty-five or when I'm forty, but I know I cannot do this forever.

If I'm so young, why am I even THINKING of forever, you might ask? BECAUSE WE REVOLVE AROUND THIS SYSTEM SOMEONE ELSE INVENTED CALLED TIME AND IT CONTROLS EVERY ASPECT OF OUR LIVES. Forever is looming. It's there. It's HERE. You have spend a portion of your life reading about my own. I am aware that I am soon to be old in the blink of an eye, if I live that long. And the knowledge that I won't be here forever has made me, once a very timid creature, not care so much about how I am percieved but more so what I am to do with my time. And I know that with me having a limited amount of time on this Earth to live, I want to spend it wisely, being happy. What I think would make me happy is to create, and to learn about myself. To be free. You may notice that a lot of this comes from the inner workings of a deeply integrated defense mechanism that I do not believe myself yet competent enough to disable. I am rejecting the workings of this society because it has hurt me and I see it as flawed, and I think I would be happy away from it. But, I am serious. And I don't want to explain to people (BECAUSE THEY'D THINK I'M CRAZY OR SUICIDAL) that this is what I want and without it, I'd go out of the window (Kramer vs. Kramer reference...I feel Joanna so brazenly on those words but not specifically their content). Adults just tell me things will change. What they mean is that I will become compliant. I will learn to come to terms with the inability to coordinate my own destiny, and I'll enjoy my conciousnness in little ways before I fall over, humbled, and die. I'll find a job/career I enjoy (oxymoron), I'll finally change my mind about having kids and come to enjoy it (nonsensical) and everything will be okay once the flame of youth and anger has died away and I sedate myself into believing things are not so bad, because that is the only way to endure it.

What can I do from here? I'll pursue this degree because I have the support, but in five years, ten years, twenty years when the anger and hormones begin to dwindle away and I become older, what will I have wished I did in this very moment? The future, past, and present is in me, within me, RIGHT NOW. I am in all three places. And I can't confine myself anywhere.

That's it for that rant. I think its okay that I'm like this, because in my earlier teen years (which are about to end...I turn 20 soon...yayz!!!!) I was a lot angrier. I didn't know how angry I was until I began to reflect later on in life. And I had an anger that was so intense and so compressed; I still am not sure that I'm able to pinpoint exactly where it came from. But, anywho. Let's change the subject for a little while. The true point I want to get to is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I was spit out of the public school system and then asked, rather unceremoniously too, what I wish to do with my life in terms of picking a career. To that I spit on the ground and pout. I do not desire a career. And this is where adults start telling me nonsense like "you just aren't aware of the right one" when it is far, far deeper than that.

No one (yet) has understood me when I say that I spend every waking second feeling uncomfortable and trapped because I am expected to go out and prostitute myself either at a job or in school so that I may prepare myself for a job, all for money. Let me say very quickly that I couldn't give two shits about money. I have only ever desired it because I've desired something I can obtain with it, but other than that I find it to be a complete waste of my life, and of a human being, to chase what someone else has created and which to me holds absolutely no importance whatsoever. So, perhaps someone can understand why I think this time I'm spending in school is a waste. If it's all for money, and for comfort (which is boring) then I have no long-term reason to be interested. Because surely I am not interested in any field anyone could place before me.

I am not suicidal as of this very moment, but in growing up I have understood why people straight up just decide to kill themselves. While I cannot be sure of everyone's reason, I think that mine would perhaps point back to a lack of purpose and feeling incredibly stuck. I've done everything I want to. I don't want to become like the older adults I see walking around. I have no desire to marry or to have children, because as previously stated, those are circumstances that are incompatible with my nature and would compel me to send myself tumbling out between a wall and a windowsill. So what do I do?

This is what I've been trying to explain to people, and I have gotten an array of reactions. Many times I have gotten orations that are able to placate my lack of belonging for only a short while, and then it is back again. I understand, as I know that some others do, that Man, yes; you and me, have been transformed into something unnatural. How people can adapt to it and see it as normal is beyond me, but I can't and I don't. I can't drive comfortably; I know that I am moving around, not using any muscles at all, in a block of tin that expels carcinogens and am subjecting an organic body to great, hulking, massive inorganic danger. All while the block of tin in front of me is expelling carcinogens right into my airways, that age me. And tens of this are doing this all at one time. I can't eat comfortably; I know most foods are straight bullshit and the human body doesn't even know what some of them are. I won't use body wash or lotion because they don't exist in nature and they're just more chemicals that overwhelm your lymphatic system and cause cancer. I can't eat meat because I can't justify the senseless murder and torture of animals, even though many people try to justify it on my behalf. I can't/won't use social media because I see it for the programming it is, and how it destroys and rewrites minds and personalities, especially of the young. I see how it sedates you. I've written papers about this. I drink very few things except for water, because no other essential liquid exists in nature and I don't recall the human body needing Mountain Dew to survive (I do love a good black coffee though.). I can't sit because it compresses my spine and it's an UNNATURAL WRETCHED postion. I can't stand comfortably because I don't feel as if man is yet ready to stand upright, which is why we have back problems. I can't wear shoes outside, I can't use shampoo or conditioner, I can't use store-bought toothpase, I can't eat candy even though I used to love it, I can't wash my hands too often, I can't wear clothing with certain fabrics. I try so much to avoid the twisted ways of this existence I was born into because it makes no sense to me and I want out. I don't care how ridiculous it sounds, I want to be a naked animal in the woods who is free to decompress and relax from the decades of programming and shame and absurd expectations. "Be like us, be like us, be like us, quell your light, silence your mouth, stifle your thoughts." I just want to be alone and to create art and to be free to be me. And this is my ideal career. Human beings are wonderful and skillful and all, but I have had it up to my ass with being around them. I want to be alone.

I don't expect anyone to understand or to validate me for the oddity I am. This site is merely for me to express myself in what I'm thinking. And I have held this in for years because externalizing it has done me no good. Externalizing it in this manner, for the internet to see, might only be doing me worse. That's a risk I'll just have to take, I suppose.

Nu out.