*sigh*
idk wtf is going on. I do understand that when I post its usually waaah waah waaah woe is me woe is anayah but its my site and i paid for the domain so in reality i can be as doomer as I want here. i am extremely unsatisfied with life. Not my life; LIFE. Do you understand? you may have already gathered this from my little rant on Monday but it goes beyond even that, because I was speaking mostly about college and things related to potential career paths as I grow older. Right now I am battling the undeniable, agonizing and overarching sensation that I do not belong on this Earth and that I will never truly achieve happiness here. For a while I was able to pass it off as me merely being odd, and this has gotten me stuck into categories in the infantile field of psychiatry and dismissed by my elders. Something is just not right. Very little is right. Even as I watch the cars pass by I know, deep down that I can never find comfort, at the very least, in the country I was raised. But it goes beyond that. I fear I will not be able to find comfort even in another country, just as long as I'm around human beings. And I'm no misanthrope--believe me; that juvenescent phase has passed me by--but I'm not philanthropic. And in me lies not even a semblance of desire to live amongst humans for the rest of my life. I can't do that anymore. I have, for estimate, five years left in me and that's it.
I wonder if I will ever be happy. Because no matter how perfect or convenient things are, I am always brought back to the unsatisfaction I have with existing in this place where nothing to me is normal. It is as if I was an alien put on this Earth meant to acclimate to it, but cannot. This feeling goes beyond anything I can explain. I have a feeling that I will not be here for much longer.
Let me start to try and explain it. This strange, dull ache sourced from my solar plexus clogs up my throat and stunts my nasal passage with the inability to breathe normally, and my head is swarmed with thoughts that affirm that my best option would be to just see myself out of here. I would get
omg. I can't stand cars, I can't stand clothing, I can't stand most food, I can't stand shoes, I can't stand school, I can't stand boys or men, I revile the thought of reproducing, I can't make art (blockage), I DON'T BELONG HERE. Not that you NEED to belong everywhere but what the fuck? Shouldn't I feel a bit more comfortable with my existence than I do, especially at nineteen? Because the truth is I HAVE FELT LIKE THIS FOR YEARS. I don't know how I've survived other than distracting myself over and over annd over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and overr and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVERR AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I get sick and tired of pretending and acting through the subconcious, which has no idea the evil its mimicking, or likely does, not sure. And I'm just saying this because I don't have to worry about anyone listening or giving me bullshit feedback.
Well, I'm young. So maybe things will change one day. But I am so, so angry. I get angry at my mother for bringing me here when it was absolutely not necessary, I get angry at my father because he's...him. I get angry at god, who I don't even think I believe in. I get angry at myself, I get angry at technology, I shun people and I shun technology, and I shun boys because I don't want to be used. I really don't want to be used, and I have an aversion to them that even I don't understand. I feel like I've done everything I want to; I'm not only bored, but in agony every second I stay here. I do not belong.
I've put it into words so many times. I've dumbed it down. I've omitted things. I've overshared. I've cried while doing it and kept my cheeks dry other times all the same and I have never felt understood, yet I remain unconvinced that I am the only one. Far from it. But I'd do anything to take the discomfort away, even if that means leaving. I literally can find no good reasons to remain here.
Love ya!
Nu out!
